Repeat After Me: "I am Enough"

Hey you! Yes, you...the one who replays decisions you made during your birth over and over again. The one who ponders the “what if’s” when you’re alone in bed at night. The one who wants/wishes for a do-over birth so you could do it the “right” way this time… You are enough! The decisions you made, the actions you took were the sum of labor pains, exhaustion, hormones, and a lifetime of events and conditioning around birth that only you know the full extent of. Decisions do not happen in a vacuum. They are influenced by our entire lives, and no other decision can be made in that moment because of every. other. thing. that has happened in your life. You were strong enough then and you are strong enough now. You were brave enough then and you are brave enough now. You were a good enough wife/mother/woman/human, worthy of love and respect, then and now. You don’t need to re-do your birth to prove that you are enough. You need only change the story you are telling yourself, to a truer story...one that comes from a deep knowing women have in their bones as old as time. Repeat after me: “I. Am. Enough.”

Some Facts About Cesarean Birth that You Won't Find in Most Books

1) It IS still a birth, a rite of passage, a life-altering transition. It is the birth of a mother, father, baby, and family, not just a surgical procedure. 

2) Moms who birth by cesarean did not take the easy way out. It takes incredible courage, selflessness, and love for your baby to allow someone to cut through your body for your child to be born.
3) It is ok to feel sad about your cesarean birth and to grieve the birth you didn’t have. Please don’t ever tell a mom “at least you had a healthy baby!” Of course she is grateful for her healthy baby. She may also be disappointed about the experience that she planned for, worked for, strived for, that did not come to fruition.
4) It is possible to retrieve moments of connection, humanity, and transformation during a cesarean birth.
5) ICAN (International Cesarean Awareness Network) consists of many local support groups who are there to listen to helps families who have experienced a cesarean birth.

A More Realistic Term Than "Due Date"

Did you know that only 4% of women give birth on their due date? In fact, the average gestation for a first time mom to birth her baby is 41 weeks and 3 days. Thinking about a "due date" makes me think of library books. Library books are due on a definite day, and if you go past that date and are still holding onto those books you're in trouble! Fines start to accrue as soon as you pass that date, and if you wait too long to release those books you'll lose your library privileges. Semantics matter, my friends. A mom's uterus, placenta, umbilical cord, fluid, and baby don't expire on her due date. The normal range for a full-term birth is anywhere from 37-42 weeks. 'Tis but a guess...which is why I use the term "guess date." Doesn't that feel different when you say it? GUESS DATE. Did you feel the parameters opening up for when your baby "should" arrive? The 37-42 week range also makes "due month" a semantically sound term. 4% isn't a very accurate rate. 4+ weeks is.

PSA For People Attending a Birth - The Etiquette of Labor Land

Birth has a very definitive set of etiquette, some of which is quite different than that which you would find in normal social interactions.  Many people wonder what is ok to do and say at a birth, especially if they have not had any formal training as a birth worker.  Here are a few simple tips that could help you keep mom in her labor zone and keep things running smoothly.

- Moms usually like to labor in quiet, dark spaces and do not like to answer questions or process information at births (especially during contractions)...it pulls them out of their primitive brain, which is exactly where they need to be.  If you must speak to mom, keep it short, gentle, and to the point.

- Be willing to change plans.  If mom told you that she would be happy to have the entire extended family in the room during her birth, be prepared (and help the family be prepared) for plans to change.  The mom may need something different while she’s in her primitive brain than she thought she would when she was in her analytical brain.  Wear a thick skin and let it roll off your back.  

- No chit chat unrelated to the task at hand.  If you have something to say that doesn’t pertain to the birth, step outside to have your conversation.  

- It is rarely a good idea to talk about your own birth at someone else’s, unless the mom specifically asks about your birth.  Even then, keep the details about your birth minimal so as not to unwittingly project any fears or expectations onto the parents.  This also goes for sharing information about other births you have attended.  Unless you are convinced that this story is really going to help the mom get through her labor, keep it to yourself.  Honor their sacred space, the fact that their own unique story is being written today, and let today be about the laboring mom.

- Do not offer your opinions about the birth.  It isn’t helpful for mom to hear that it was the longest labor you’ve ever been to, or that you were alarmed by how loud she was during labor.  Some well-intentioned people will go on and on about how great the birth was.  Even this can be damaging.  If mom didn’t think the labor went very well, you could be invalidating her perception of it and unknowingly denying her the space to process her feelings.  A simple, “Congratulations! You did it!” will suffice.  She will almost certainly have some things to say about her own labor.  Let her direct the conversation.

Love yourself and love the parents.  Forgive yourself for past mis-steps.  Do your best, keep it simple, and enjoy witnessing the miracle of birth!

Blindsided After Birth

“Birth is a rite of passage!”  “You will never forget the day you gave birth!”  “Spend as much time preparing for your birth as you did for your wedding!”  We’ve all heard about the importance of birth…choosing the right care provider, class doula, birth space… but what about the moment it’s all over?  How are mothers in our society preparing for the time when the grand event is finished, the confetti is all over the floor, the lights come on, and everyone has gone home?  There is such a buildup to your day, or perhaps days of birth, but not much emphasis is placed on the 6570 days you will spend raising the child thereafter.  

A few days after giving birth, there is a big drop in hormones, which leaves 80% of moms dealing with baby blues.  It’s also the time that most families are sent home from the hospital to care for their baby on their own without the safety net of the hospital staff, and the time when moms are waiting for their milk to transition (or “come in” according to popular terminology.)  Moms may begin to experience nipple soreness from the newness of breastfeeding, and are usually still experiencing pain as they recover from birth, whether vaginal or cesarean.  Meanwhile, family and friends may not register the fact that you have a wound on your uterus the size of a dinner plate from where your placenta detached and that you are leaking fluids from your breasts and vagina.   

So what can be done to cope with all of this physical, emotional, physiological, and social intensity?  

Allies.  Set up allies ahead of time to help you after the birth.  Keep a list of all the minor tasks that need to get done in your day to day life on the refrigerator.  When someone says, “Well, if you need help with anything…” direct them to the list and let them know that any of those things would be incredibly appreciated.  In addition to meals, cleaning, laundry, pets, and dishes, arrange for a shoulder to cry on.  Someone who knows that empathy doesn’t mean saying “at least…”  Someone who can just listen and validate whatever you’re going through with love and compassion.  If you’re going to have a shoulder to cry on, you may as well set up an ally to laugh with as well.  Arrange friends ahead of time who will raise your spirits and brighten your mood.  

Remember, most people want to help you and see the baby after the birth.  Accepting their help is not just a gift to you…it’s a gift to them.  Allowing someone into those dreamy newborn days for a little while is a treat for many people.  Letting them hold the baby while you shower or change a diaper while you grab a snack is a treat for them as well.  

Be sure that your allies understand before the birth that you will probably need to stick to short visits at first so that you and baby have time to rest and get the hang of breastfeeding without an audience, although their flexibility would be greatly appreciated…not just with length of stay, but how often they will visit, what you will need help with, which times work best for you, etc.  When people arrive at your house, answer the door in your bathrobe, even if you have regular clothes on underneath.  Have your partner let guests in and let them come greet you in bed.  This is not a time for you to be the hosts…your allies need to be there to offer physical and emotional help, not receive it.  Having these conversations before the birth can help your allies have realistic expectations when the baby arrives.  

Make time to connect with your partner, even if it’s just for a quick hug when you have a free arm.  You are a team working towards the challenging goal of getting through the days, weeks, and months.  Remember what brought you together to make this baby in the first place.  Be forgiving with yourselves and each other.  Understand that stress, confusion about how to navigate being a new parent (or new parent to 2, 3, 4, etc. kiddos), and lack of sleep don’t bring out our best selves.  Doing your best and bringing a healthy dose of forgiveness and compassion to everyone involved is the best medicine for the postpartum journey.  

Prepare with the practical knowledge that you’re able to.  A breastfeeding class is a great idea if you’re planning on nursing.  (An IBCLC and your local La Leche League chapter are great allies to set up during pregnancy!)  Educating yourself about car seat safety is also super important.  (80% of kids are not fastened in safely.)  Don’t let your shopping around for the best team stop at birth…shop around for the people with baby care know-how as well.  

Of course, not every moment of the postpartum period can be buffered by allies.  There are ways you can show up for yourself too.  Mothers learn breathing techniques, relaxation practices, and comfort measures to cope with the intensity of birth.  Guess what?  These resources are still useful during postpartum!  You can use the things you have learned during your childbirth class and birth experience to help you cope with difficult moments during postpartum.  If you find yourself pacing with a crying baby in the middle of the night, help yourself to calm down while you help the baby do the same.  Focus on your breath, notice the parts of your body that are holding tension and release anywhere you can, count to ten, move through your struggle one moment at a time, just as you would move through one contraction at a time.