Doula Work and Motherhood

Chasing the Pot of Gold in the Rainbow of Balance

It’s not unusual for the call to join a doula family at their birth to come in the dead of the night.  In fact, it’s so common that I was talking to the kids’ babysitter today about how for once *I* was finally here to greet her when she came to get the kids instead of my husband doing the handoff just before leaving for work.

When I am summoned in the middle of the night, in the sleepy dim light of my home I give myself time to get ready in a way that centers me and helps me enter the birth space in a focused and open mindset.  Some of the steps might include…

• feeding myself healthy, nourishing food and hydrating
• using a mindfulness practice like Breath Awareness or Circular Breathing to calm my mind
• praying for guidance for myself and a positive experience for the family
• reviewing notes I took during prenatal appointments on which pain coping methods the mom finds most helpful, what kind of touch she likes from her partner, if she likes aromatherapy, candles, a rebozo, etc.

Today the call to a birth came in right after a scooter ride around our neighborhood with my children and their friend.  We were wrapping up a little post-scooter playtime with family friends when the message came in...time to head to the hospital.  This is what preparing for a birth looked like with my children home and awake…

• feed children lunch.  Tell children to stop hitting/chasing/teasing each other and eat their lunch before the sitter got here.
• oh yeah and finding some food for myself while waiting for water to boil.
• taking a shower to wash off Texas summer scooter ride, joined by my son who totally invited himself.  This shower was interrupted by the scalding water of a flushing toilet (because why would he go potty BEFORE getting in the shower?) and my daughter bursting the shower door open to ask me which day in July it was.  
• Getting my work clothes on in between gathering swimming clothes and a regular change of clothes for my kids to take to the sitter’s house with them.
• explaining why my daughter couldn’t pour herself a glass of pomegranate juice while she had a glass of milk and a glass of Honest Kids juice still sitting on the table.
• talking to/lecturing my son about how to clean up the full glass of milk he spilled on the floor.
• installing two car seats in the babysitter’s car at 2 pm in the aforementioned summer heat.
• brushing my teeth and running out the door, stopping to turn off my daughter’s light on the way.

So yeah, there are a few differences between getting ready for a birth with kids around vs. kids tucked snugly in their beds.  It was a good opportunity to see how easy I have in when the call comes in at 3 am, and also to remember that birth and parenting are all about being flexible and rolling with what comes.  So while I may not have taken the zen spirit out the door with me (that’s what the car ride was designated for today) I did get to take the spirit of resilience, adaptability, and love for myself and others regardless of the circumstances out the door with me.  Thanks, kids!

No, I’m Not Going to Teach You How to Breathe

Disspelling Myths About Childbirth Education Classes

Sometimes I’ll get calls from people inquiring about my Birthing from Within or Birthing Again classes where the interested party asks if I teach moms how to breathe.  No, I’m not going to teach you how to breathe.  That is a skill that you learned a long, long, long time ago when you were just a little older than your own gestating baby.  

Controlled breathing patterns are what we have seen in movies and heard from our own parents for decades as the go-to way of coping with labor pain.  Interestingly enough, Lamaze does not even teach these trademark breathing patterns anymore.  

So does that mean we skip the breathing and pain coping thing all together?  Quite the contrary.  In Birthing from Within we spend about ¼ of the class series on pain coping alone.  That’s 3 hours of my class series spent doing hands-on practice of coping with pain and working with your partner to support you through practice contractions.  

I will not teach you how to breathe.  I will, however teach you how focusing on your breath can diminish the emotional suffering that is often linked to painful physical sensation.

I will teach you how to incorporate the sensations around you, including your breath, to help you not get thrown off by external stimuli as you work through contractions.  I will teach you an ancient practice for using the breath to bring energy back into an exhausted body.  I will teach you the power of using your voice to cope with pain with every exhale.  

I trust your body’s innate wisdom to know how to breathe during birth.  I will help you work with what your mind and body already know about breathing (and coping, and working through difficult situations, and collaborating with your partner, and and and…) to work toward your own focused, mindful place.  

Surviving Postpartum

Three Tips to Help Moms Through the First Six Weeks After Birth

So much build up, so much excitement at the end of pregnancy about meeting your new baby!  The nursery is decorated, the onesies are organized, and the car seat is installed.  The anticipation is palpable.  

Immediately after birth there is a sigh of relief...it may be a sigh of a mother’s heart being overwhelmed with love for her baby, or a sigh of gratitude that the labor is finally over.  Either way, there is usually a certain light feeling in those first postpartum hours and days.  

Until the hormone drop.  At three days postpartum mom’s hormones take a big drop and she may feel overwhelmed with baby’s intense needs, unsure about breastfeeding, or tired from waking up with the baby several times overnight.  80% of moms will experience baby blues in the first few weeks...feeling weepy, anxious, or overwhelmed at times.  So what can be done to ease the transition for everyone?

1) Allow yourself time to rest.  In Mexico women practice the tradition of the “cuarentena”...40 days of rest where mom’s only jobs are to heal and care for the baby.  Family members take care of the cooking, cleaning, and other chores while the mother has a chance to recover.  

After birth there is a wound in your uterus the size of a dinner plate.  Even if you feel good, allow your body time to heal itself.  Nursing allows many opportunities to sit down and put your feet up.  In fact, crawling into bed for some skin to skin time with your little one will be beneficial for you and your baby.  Take advantage of any opportunities to catch up on sleep during the day.  The laundry and dust bunnies can wait.  Which bring me to my next point…

2) Accept help from others.  Make a list of chores that regularly have to be completed in your family - laundry, dishes, sweeping, walking the dogs, taking older children to extracurricular activities, etc.  Hang it up on your refrigerator so that visitors can choose an item from the list to help you with.  This can help take some of the awkward feelings out of asking other people to do things for you.

Remember that oftentimes people WANT to help!  Welcoming a new baby into a family is a very special time and friends and extended family love to be a part of that.  It’s a favor to both of you to let them support you in these early days.  You get an extra set of hands and they get the satisfaction of being a part of your family’s transition.  If you don’t have friends or family around to help you, consider enlisting the services of a postpartum doula.

3) Adjust your standards of yourself and others.  Don’t try to hit the gym two weeks postpartum or host Thanksgiving dinner days after giving birth.  You don’t have to keep a spotless house or put everyone else’s needs first to be enough.  Getting through your day with baby is all that you need to do.  Set realistic goals and be gentle with yourself if getting back into the swing of things take longer than you expected.  

While you are accepting help from others, keep in mind that your mother-in-law won’t load the dishwasher the same way you do and your husband won’t fold pants like you.  Ask yourself, “Do I need this done the “right” way or do I need it done?”  In most cases getting things done will be adequate, even if it’s not up to your usual standards.  

Dear mother, know that you are deserving of rest, assistance, and relaxed expectations during this time.  The postpartum period calls for COMPASSION above all else.  

The Greatest Birth Story Ever Told

What Pregnant Women Can Learn from Jesus’ Birth

It may seem odd for a Muslim doula to be writing about the birth of Jesus, but believe it or not, Muslims share the Christian belief that Jesus was born to a virgin mother.  In fact, Mary is one of the most beloved women in history for Muslims.  

At this time of year, I think it’s very interesting to reflect on Mary’s birth experience and what modern birthing women can learn from it.  In surah Maryam in the Qu’ran, the story of Mary’s labor is reported as:

“[22-26] Accordingly, Mary conceived the child, and with it she went away to a distant place. Then the throes of childbirth urged her to take shelter under a date palm. There she began to cry, "Oh! would that I had died before this and sunk into oblivion.” At this the angel at the foot of her bed consoled her, saying, "Grieve not at all, for your Lord has set a spring under you; as for your food, shake the trunk of this tree and fresh, ripe dates will fall down for you; so eat and drink and refresh your eyes; and if you see a man, say to him, `As I have vowed to observe the fast (of silence) for the sake of the Merciful, I will not speak to anyone today.”

Whether you believe Jesus was born in a manger or beneath a date tree, the concept of taking shelter, finding a safe, private birth space, remains the same.  In order for oxytocin (the hormone of birth, breastfeeding, love, and trust) and endorphins (the body’s natural painkillers) to work most effectively, they require a sense of privacy and security.  

How powerful to know that even the most revered mother in human history cried out in pain while bringing her baby into the world!  In Birthing from Within classes we talk about how pain, doubt, and fear are a normal part of the journey and that in times of struggle, moms can connect with the 300,000 other women around the world who are giving birth at the same time - in hospitals, birth centers, houses, woods, fields, cars, and mangers.  

Modern mothers share the struggle of succumbing to transformation so profound and shattering that it bring them to a place of surrender...of crying out in pain, moaning, resisting and then letting go, of doing whatever it takes to give birth...with all of the women who came before them, including this beautiful, amazing soul specially chosen by her Lord.  

My favorite part of this story as a doula is that Mary was told to eat and drink during labor.  Not only was it nourishment for her body to fuel her through the process, it was also presented in response to her labor pains.  Staying hydrated and fed during labor helps to ease the intensity of contractions.  

While we can’t all have an angel speaking to us on God’s behalf during labor, I think we all have some version of that in our intuition.  Women were created differently from men in body and mind.  We all have deep rooted God-given knowledge that goes back to the time of Eve.  Tuning in to that inner voice can help us navigate our way through labor - telling us what to eat, how to move, and what needs to be done next to get through each threshold in our journeys.  

Finally, Mary’s vow of silence on that day.  Many women partially or completely lose the ability to communicate as they move into slower brain waves that take them into a deeper mindspace.  It speaks to the importance of a woman’s support people attuning themselves to her needs and cues instead of relying on her to give directions on the kind of help she needs.  

These few sentences about Jesus’ birth provide us with so much helpful information as mothers.  Eat and drink during labor, know that you are not alone in your struggle, listen to your intuition, find a birth space that makes you feel safe and protected, and surround yourself with people who understand your needs.  And if you are a person of faith, thank God for the wisdom imparted through His scriptures.  

Birth and Parenting...

...And the Ability to Make a Recovery

One of the things I stress in Birthing from Within classes is how childbirth preparation is also parenting preparation. 

- Want to learn how to cope with labor pain?  Those skills will come in handy for coping with fussy babies and trying toddlers.  

- Want to foster flexibility to ride the waves of whatever twists and turns your birth may bring?  That will come in handy when your ideas about breastfeeding, baby sleep, cloth diapers, etc. are challenged while traversing uncharted territory with your newborn.  

- Working on bringing a spirit of compassion and self-acceptance to yourself and your partner as you do whatever it takes to get your baby out?  Oh boy, are you gonna need that one for parenting!

Another thing I stress in childbirth classes is this importance of making a recovery when you get off track.  That could mean finding your way back to a place of focus after getting overwhelmed by an intense contraction, or returning to a place of finding connection with your partner and your baby during the disappointment of an unplanned cesarean birth.  

Yesterday my four year old son had an hour long knock down, drag out tantrum.  I'll spare you the details, but suffice it to say that it all started over not knowing what he wanted for lunch.  O.o  I tried to be as patient as I could, but after a while I found myself not being my best self as a mother.  

Later on when the dust had settled and his tummy was full, my son and I reconnected with kisses and cuddles and he said to me, "Can you kiss me until morning?"  I realized in that moment that together we had practiced what I always preach...we had made a recovery.  

It's impossible to be a perfect mom all the time.  Mistakes happen, tempers flare, but it's never hopeless.  There's always an opportunity to come together, to get back on your feet, to find one small way of showing up for yourself, for a loved one, or for your relationship.  Occasional mistakes are inevitable.  Recoveries are always possible. 

A Map for Birth

What if someone could give you a map...an emotional guide...to birth?  What if someone could normalize feeling scared, elated, so bleeping over it, plugged in with their partner, overwhelmed, and strong BEFORE the birth so that parents knew they were on the right track when they passed through these gates during birth?  What if parents could even, for a few moments, go into the slower brain waves and altered state that will be waiting for them at the threshold of active labor?

The labyrinth is a tool we use in class to give a more realistic map of the labor process than perfectly round cervical diagrams increasing from 1-10 centimeters or a graph of how quickly labor should progress.  No one gives a damn about a graph in the middle of labor.  What they do care about is that they feel scared right now, and not sure that they can take this much longer.  Wouldn’t it be wonderful to find out ahead of time that those feelings were a sign of progress instead of a sign that you’re not handling labor well?  How freeing would it be to have permission to feel the way you need to feel, and to move, grunt, throw up, cry, dance, moan, tense up, let go, and do whatever it takes to get your baby out?

Self Knowledge is as Important as Practical Knowledge for Birth

What is just as important as gaining information about birth?  Gaining awareness.  Does that sound like some hippy stuff?  Well, guess what?  Most of the practical information moms pick up before birth will fly right out of their heads during labor, and with good cause.  During birth mothers make a shift from the thinking part of their brains into the instinctive, creative, non-verbal part where they have a diminished sense of pain and of time.  Have you ever wondered how a mother can have a 48 hour unmedicated birth?  That’s how.  So wouldn’t it make sense to nurture the intuitive brain during pregnancy at least as much as the processing part of the brain?  Practicing mindfulness techniques, doing birth art, increasing awareness of your own patterns and beliefs, and engaging in experiential learning will serve you in those foggy, faraway moments of birth when you can’t pull facts and data out of your brain because it’s too busy maintaining an altered state that will help you cope through the process.